When I Can’t Decide to Laugh or Shriek

Tags

creepy, humor, twilight zone, warm & fuzzy

It is rare that a book, television program or film successfully combines “creepy” and humor. Many have tried, many have failed.
Those few that have succeeded rank high on my list of favorite videos/films, witnessed by the fact I have watched them over and over again.

Many devotees of the Twilight Zone point to “Mr. Dingle, the Strong” as Rod Serling‘s best funny/creepy work. I disagree, and point to TZ’s “To Serve Man” as his best tongue in cheek work. (Although written by Damon Knight, Rod’s editorial hand is all over the script.) The late Richard Kiel as the super-intelligent Kanamit with the permanent “duhhhh” look plastered on his face is classic. He was obviously enjoying mugging for the joke.
Did you know TV Guide in 2013 gave this episode the honor of “Greatest Twist of All Time”?
Also, Owlswick Press printed a gag version of the book “To Serve Man” in 1976, including a recipe for Cowboy Stew (ingredients include 1 large cowboy).

This and the following entries embody the ideal of “mirthful macabre” I steep into every one of my stories, especially my latest book, “If I Can’t Sleep, You Can’t Sleep“.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – “Hush”
This episode of Joss Whedon‘s juggernaut series won an Emmy — and rightfully so. It’s sheer inventiveness and bold stroke to have a full 1/2 hour of NO DIALOG is an astounding and spellbinding accomplishment. Not to mention the (spoiler alert) scene where some poor innocent cannot scream as he suffers one of the most painful deaths imaginable, is a cinematic moment that will make your skin crawl.
And yet, peppered amid the horrors perpetrated by baddies (“The Gentlemen”), are a bevy of sight gags that are rip-roaringly hilarious.

The Fifth Element
A rocket-fast trip into the future. The tongue-in-cheek humor comes non-stop at a lightning pace, so that you almost dare not laugh because you’ll miss the next visual/verbal/physical jibe.

Big Trouble in Little China
Not true horror, but a few nice creepy moments (it is from John Carpenter, after all.) Kurt Russell as the smart-ass trucker is casting perfection. I find myself quoting this film quite often.
My favorite line –
Jack: “Hey Egg, how did you get all the way up there?”
Egg: “It wasn’t easy!”My favorite scene – Wang’s and Thunder’s final fight scene. It is a perfectly executed example of what I call “implied comedic violence”.

Shaun of the Dead
The first of many films pairing the creative and acting talents of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Can you spot the Cornetto in all the “Cornetto Trilogy” films?
My favorite line –
“There is nothing of the man you loved in that car!”
(Zombie Philip turns off radio.)

Cabin in the Woods
Another one of Whedon’s wonders. The man just seems to have the knack to combine bone-chilling horror and humor spanning the spectrum from cerebral to “inside-joke” to slapstick.

I’m sure, given time, I can come up with more.
Please comment, and let me know your favorite chiller/comedy.
If I haven’t seen it, I want to!

Whistle While You Kraftwerk

Tags

King Crimson, Kraftwerk, Liparulo, music, Rick Wakeman, Soma FM, Triumvirat, WMUH

As a kid, I did all my homework while watching TV — usually Star Trek reruns
— much to the chagrin of my parents.  During my college days, I graduated to listening to music while I worked on my physics and math problems.

The refrains of my unusual musical tastes were loud enough that I couldn’t hear the mumbles, comments, complaints and curses that I’m sure my fellow academicians were voicing in their offices and dorm rooms next to mine.
Since I was a church organist, and an enthusiast about all things keyboard related, my speakers were constantly blaring the sounds of Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Triumvirat, Kraftwerk, Chick Corea, Patrick Moraz, Walter (before he became Wendy) Carlos’ synthesized masterpieces, Rick Wakeman and Yes, and of course King Crimson featuring their magically hypnotic mellotron.

In the workaday world that came after college, my cubicle was void of tunes, until I was promoted to an office where I could play my music — albeit at much lower volumes. I also tuned to college radio, so that I could enjoy a variety of music, and not cheese off my office-mate. See? I can be taught to be considerate!

Actually, that was only half the reason for lower volumes.
I found I enjoyed the music so much that it distracted me from efficiently performing my work.

These days, I wonder how I accomplished any work at all.
I shake my head in disbelief a how many of my peers work with loud music. For example, Richard Liparulo told me he often plays music conducive to the genre he’s writing – e.g., playing star-opera movie sound tracks while writing sci-fi.

I now most often work in silence. The noise, dialog and movie rolling in my head when I’m writing is enough and incredibly fragile. My budding efforts are entirely erased if music intrudes. That is simply intolerable to my muse.
On those rare occasions that I can tolerate music — usually when I’m doing light editing — I seek refuge with my old favorites. Though lately I tune into internet radio, streaming my old college radio station WMUH, or  Soma FM’s 70’s, 80’s and Secret Agent channels.

So, what do you whistle while you work, or listen while you lurk?

BMI – Body Mass Index or Blatantly Misused Information?

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BMI, diet, weight

 

I recently scandalized a dietician, when I confronted her with my assessment of the Body Mass Index (BMI), declaring it was a “tissue of lies.” She had no argument in its defense after I explained my position. I leave it up to the reader whether her silence was due to her politeness, professionalism or the patent indefensibility of the BMI.

Why do I assert the BMI is useless?
Let’s look at 3 points: history, application, and mathematics.

1) History – the BMI was originally developed by life insurance companies to fine tune their actuarial tables. The scale was created to measure the relative health of large population centers. It was NEVER meant to assess an individual’s health — and yet that is exactly what our ‘educated’ (read ‘indoctrinated’) medical community does. Our esteemed learned health professional community is using a sledgehammer where they should use a screwdriver.

2) Application – the BMI gives no additional useful information. If you’re above a certain number, your labeled as ‘obese’ by varying degrees. Regardless of the degree, unless you’re below the ‘healthy’ number, your health professional gives you the “Tsk-Tsk” lecture and a finger wagging you haven’t seen since your 3rd grade teacher.
The BMI data point is no more useful than simply setting a goal for your weight.

3) Mathematics – the BMI is based solely on your weight and a single physical dimension — height. Last time I checked, we are 3-dimensional creatures. It is obvious on the face of the argument that a person with a shallow chest and small shoulders should have a different measure of health than an NFL linebacker with a chest cavity the size of Montana. Taken to a ridiculous extreme, the BMI scale would have labeled Arnold Schwarzenegger at his peak as ‘morbidly obese’. Oh, please.
Other factors that have obvious ramifications for health, but are entirely ignored by the BMI, are age and gender. So if you can find a young male ballet trouper the same height and weight as my arthritic Aunt Abigail, you mean to tell me they have the same outlook as predicted by the BMI?

The BMI is the current standard merely because it’s cheaper to measure than other more accurate indices, like the Adipose Index or the Hydrostatic method, to name a few.

It’s time to punt the guilt-trip disguised as ‘best-practice’ called the BMI.
Tell your dietician I sent you.

Here’s to Old Frendz

Tags

family, friends

Fifteen years ago I spoke with a person employed in the mental health field. The topic at hand was relationships — despite our best efforts, we probably ended up there because I was dealing with the aftermath of a rather disastrous breakup.

When we discussed our less tempestuous relationships, I remarked that I still kept tabs with a few of my high school and college buddies. When I further added that my three closest ‘best friends’ and I have pal’d around on a weekly basis for the past quarter of century, she blurted out a guffaw of earnest surprise. Her shocked expression told me that the concept of such a long relationship (outside of marriage) was totally alien to her.

I wonder what she would think now – I’ve known these people for 40 years now, and I still hold these three friends close to my heart. So much so, that they are part of my adopted family, and I am part of theirs. I am ‘Uncle Chris’ to at least 5 children that I have zero blood relation to. I have watched these people grow from screaming ankle-biters to smart, sane individuals who I am extremely happy and proud to know. Probably more than most of my actual blood-relations. We still hug whenever we meet, fer cryin’-out-loud.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It also is more than a little surprising that they haven’t gotten sick & tired of me after all this time.

Let’s hope this is a living definition of ‘friend’ that Facebook doesn’t dilute or erase.

Image courtesy of thedogpaddler.com

The (Table) Games People Play [updated]

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7 Wonders, Carcassonne, Dominion, King of Tokyo, Munchkin, OTAKON, Settlers of Catan, Stone Age, Table Games, Takenoko, Ticket to Ride

I played Dungeons & Dragons long before it became popular.
I enjoyed hours of Magic until it, too, was gobbled up by a soulless corporation.
My days of playing video games have also come and gone. (Sorry, gang – Xbox, PS4 and their ilk hold no charms for me anymore. My real life computer work is far more entertaining!)

However, I have not lost my affinity for TABLE games.
These table games are not the typical pablum (e.g., Monopoly, Risk, et al.) foisted upon the American public. Rather, I would guess that 99% of the general populace have never heard of any of these games.

I am indeed fortunate that I have a large circle of acquaintances (Yay, OTAKON!) that are consistently introducing me to new table games, a tight circle of friends that enjoy playing them as much as I do (if not more), and that we can get together every couple of weeks to spend an evening enjoying each other’s company over a table of friendly competition.

Below is my list of games and reviews, updated from last year. Please, take a stroll through some of my favorites! As with any opinion, your mileage may vary.
And of course, Christmas will be here before you know it… (Hint, Hint!)

If you have any table games that you are rabid about, please leave a comment and share!

Board Games

Card Games

The Eighth Deadly Sin

Tags

Big Trouble in Little China, Horror, Longest Yard, Poltergeist, Psycho, Rollerball, Sci-Fi, The Day The Earth Stood Still

 

If there is a special place in Hell, it’s for the people who do remakes of movies that were done right the first time.

Poltergeist
The remake is not inherently bad. If you didn’t see the original, this one could stand reasonably well on its own. However, if you happen to be familiar with the original, this film clearly falls into the “adds nothing new” slush-pile.
As a side note, I am forced to comment that casting a child actor who was a disturbing dead-ringer for the original Carolann (deceased) was as tasteless as this pun.

Psycho
Nothing shouts “zero creativity” louder than a shot-by-shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s original classic. I wonder, who approved this? And can I soon part this particular fool from some more of his money?

The Day the Earth Stood Still
No glitz left un-flashed in this attempt to hide Keanu Reeves’s version of Klaatu. His delivery is more wooden than a Gerry Anderson Supermarionation. Michael Rennie is spinning in his grave.

Rollerball
The original’s chilling vision of globalization using bread & circuses to distract the masses, made all the more so poignant since many of its prognostications have sadly come true, has been transformed into a video game by a remake that is a total waste of celluloid.

The Longest Yard
I am by no means a fan of sports films, so it is high praise indeed when I say the original was perfect – hilarious, exciting and heartfelt in all the right places. Remaking it was pointless. Remaking it with Adam Sandler was just horrific.

Big Trouble in Little China
Coming soon to an overpriced theater near you.
Why, Rock? WHY?
The John Carpenter original is a grand knee-slapping romp combining horror and humor. A rare combo not to be missed. I cringe in anticipation of how much of a custer-fluck the remake will turn out to be.

There are scores, if not hundreds, of films that were followed by disastrous remakes. However, they have not graced (disgraced?) this list, because either: I have not seen both the original and/or the remake and therefore cannot render an opinion; or in my opinion, the original was not that hot to begin with (e.g. Wicker Man, which shows up in many other ‘bad remake’ lists).

What’s your story? Do you have a film that was 5-star worthy, remade into a 1-star schlockfest? Leave a comment, and why you believe the remake stinks – I love to hate bad films.

Thanks! Give In? No thanks.

Tags

Thanksgiving

It’s the month when we celebrate Christmas!

Oh, sorry!  No, that’s what stores have wanted us to believe since the week before Halloween.

This is the month when traditionally we reflect on the blessings and good things that have come our way.  Who am I to buck tradition?  Besides, countless studies — along with just plain sage wisdom and basic common sense — tells us that if you concentrate on the good, you’ll tend to be happier and just a more pleasant person all around.
I certainly have observed the opposite, which only proves the point. Haven’t you ever noticed that you tend to gravitate away from people who constantly bitch?  I know I sure do!  Those people who revel in righteous indignation about every social ill in the world, from their neighbor’s dog to the latest political boondoggle (that the other party is obviously responsible for), are simply the type of person that I prefer to keep at 10-foot-pole (or greater) length.

As for me, a few of the things I’m thankful for:I’m cancer-free:
While going through that gauntlet was no picnic, I am now what society calls a ‘survivor.’  Though it is essentially correct, I still don’t feel quite comfortable with that epithet.  However, I think the whole year-long ordeal has instilled in me a perspective that tends to focus me on the good in what time left I have in this mortal coil.

My long history of working in fields that I love:
Bell Labs was a hoot!  Drop me into an environment where daily tasks exercise my physics, math, computer and engineering muscles?  Like a pig in swill!
Now that I’m pursuing a vocation in writing, despite the fact I am not successful by society’s measure?  Just as happy!  Don’t get me wrong — there is drudgery in both fields.  But when you love what you do, it just doesn’t matter. And the high points are incredible.  I cannot be thankful enough for that.

Family & Friends:
I have seen some dysfunctional families that would put soap operas to shame.  I am ever so thankful that my family has none of those less-than-endearing scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs qualities.  And as for friends, I have a circle of friends that I have kept close for almost four decades.  And these are the friends that I can depend upon in life-or-death situations — because we’ve already gone through it.
In my salad days, I was enamored of the saying attributed to Tom Waits:
 Champagne for my real friends,
 Real pain for my sham friends.
But I think I prefer this one over it now:
 Friends help you.
 Good friends help you move.
 True friends help you move bodies.

My furry companions:
Those of you who know me, are familiar with NixNutz*, a dog I had adopted from a local shelter. Cute as a button, he only had three legs, due to a nasty run-in with a pack of street dogs when he was abandoned in Bethlehem. Though we know it is simply the nature of animals not to complain, since they have no conception of self-pity, NixNutz’s example of “deal with it and get on with life” was nevertheless a daily inspiration for me. He left us last July, and I still miss him terribly. Not to worry — a new rescue is in the works!

Believe me, I could go on and on about my faith and the miracles — daily ones, simple ones, and even a few grandiose ones — that I’ve experienced. But I have to get back to the work that I love!

* NixNutz – a Pennsylvania Dutch term, literally translated as ‘of no use’, it is a term of endearment used by parents when their children misbehave.  A word my Dad often used for me!

Let’s Give the Man a Hand!

I tore my bicep tendon 2 weeks ago. Here’s a few things I’ve learned during my ongoing enforced stay-cation in a sling:

Things difficult to do 1-handed
Type
Turn pages in a paper book
Blow your nose

Things very difficult to do without your dominant hand
Anything involving any activity normally performed in the bathroom
Eat (I’ve lost 8 lbs. so far!)
Type more than 10 minutes

Things nearly impossible to do 1-handed
Slice vegetables
Floss

Things I won’t even attempt without my dominant hand
Shave
Write Checks
Drive

Back again soon!

Games People (and I) Play

Tags

Board Games, Card Games

I just finished drafting and editing my latest weird tale, slated for ‘No Children Aloud’, so I can finally take some time to blog.

With the unofficial start of summer, and the party season that accompanies it, I spend some time gaming. OK, I admit it – I’m a game geek. I had played Dungeons & Dragons long before it became popular, and Magic until it too was gobbled up by a soulless corporation. My days of playing video games have also come and gone. These days, I find there are just too many things to learn and do, to waste the precious endless hours these time-suckers will eat up. I still occasionally feed my gaming monkey, but only when I am socializing with like-minded souls. I am indeed fortunate that I have a large circle of friends that are consistantly introducing me to new games.

These games are not the traditional pablum (e.g., Monopoly, Risk, et al.) usually foisted upon the American public. Rather, I would be so bold to guess-timate that 99% of people have never even heard of any of these games.

Here’s a list of games I’ve played over the past few years, with my recommendations. Take a gander at them at your favorite shopping website. It’s a good bet that I already have the ones I rate highly.

As always, as with any opinion, your mileage may vary.

Board Games
Name	Enjoyment Complexity Repeat_Play	Overall
7 Wonders	4 / 4 / 4	Yes
Deadwood Studios	3 / 3 / 2	Uninspiring
Forbidden Island	3 / 4 / 1	Gave me a headache
Kill Dr. Lucky	5 / 3 / 1	Good for 2 plays, tops
King of Tokyo	3 / 3 / 2 5 / 3/ 4	Great, but only with the expansion pack.
Settlers of Catan	4 / 3 / 5	Yes
Stone Age	4 / 4 / 4	Yes
Ticket to Ride	5 / 3 / 5	Absolutely!
Takenoko	5 / 3 / 5	Absolutely!
Tokaido	4 / 4 / 3	Good, but too Zen
Card Games
Name	Enjoyment Complexity Repeat_Play	Overall
Apples vs. Apples	5 / 1 / 4	Hilarious!
Balderdash	5 / 2 / 5	Love it!
Cards Against Humanity	5 / 1 / 2	Hilarious!
Guillotine	4 / 3 / 4	Yes
Munchkin	5 / 3 / 5	Absolutely!
Race for the Galaxy	1 / 5 / 1	Avoid like plague

Uncommon Knowledge – I

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Albert Einstein

If you google the following quote, you will find thousands of opinions about whether or not it is correctly attributed:

“The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome.” -Albert Einstein

I’m sure many of you have heard this before, in one of its many forms. It has been used by politicians, pundits and other talking heads, mental health professionals and self-help groups aplenty. I’ve even heard it used by regular people!

I won’t belabor the arguments pro and con concerning its validity or attribution, other than putting forward my vote.  I believe it is correctly attributed to Einstein, mainly because of when and where I learned of it. I was introduced to this aphorism approximately one decade before ARPANET became the internet, and two decades before the internet became the mis-information highway.

Here’s the history that I was taught:
Einstein, as we all (hopefully) know, was the person who famously first discovered the relationship E=mc^2, developed theories of specific and general relativity, and dozens of other nifty axioms, lemmas, and theories all springing from that body of work.  (I hate to break it to you, but Grumpy Cat did not discover Relativity!)
Einstein went to his grave trying to complete his work on what he called the “Unified Field Theory”. This theory postulated that all the primary forces of the universe — electricity, magnetism, weak nuclear, strong nuclear, and gravity — were all related by a single beautiful equation.

At the time he solved relativity and began developing his UFT, another branch of physics — Quantum Mechanics — had sprung up and was gaining popularity among the physics nerds of that day. Today, we know quantum machanics works. It explains much of the world about us that classical physics could not. Simply put, we would not know how to make transistors, LEDs, or computers if quantum mechanics had no validity. But there was a time when QM was on unsure footing.

First, let’s take a look at the most basic ‘thought experiment’ used to demonstrate the difference between classical physics and quantum mechanics — an electron passing though a strong electric field that would repel it. A close analogy would be throwing a baseball through a brick wall. What are the chances of the baseball going through the brick wall, without destroying either the baseball or the brick wall? Classical physics says ‘zero’. Quantum mechanics says ‘almost zero’. According to QM, if you throw millions of baseballs at the wall at high-enough velocities, there is a small probability that one baseball will eventually make it through.

But in Einstein’s time, or at least when he spoke the above quote, the validity of quantum mechanics was debatable. Moreover – and here’s the important part – it was absolutely antithetical to Einstein’s precious concept of the UFT. They simply could not co-exist. Einstein thought that Schrodinger got it wrong, and that every physicist in the QM camp was nuts.

It’s curious that this aphorism is nowadays used as a cute helpful ditty regarding human behavior, when in fact its original intent was a polite insult.

Anyway, that’s my bit of Uncommon Knowledge for the day.